


Damascus

by touchreceptors



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Akito the Exiled, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Porn, Community: cgkinkmemeii, Creative and probably highly sacrilegious use of the Imperial Scepter, I am a terrible person, Improvised Sex Toys, M/M, i think? i'm so sorry (nah not really)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 02:53:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4730039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touchreceptors/pseuds/touchreceptors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And yet it is still Lelouch's face, Lelouch's voice, Lelouch's tongue wetting the small smile on his lips as he drawls, "Tell me, Seven. Have you ever slept with a man?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damascus

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise, I'm still alive in this fandom! And working on a couple of fills for the [Code Geass kink meme](http://cgkinkmemeii.livejournal.com/2983.html), which is sadly a little lonely and dead right now, compared to yesteryears. (This fic was written in response to [this prompt](http://cgkinkmemeii.livejournal.com/2983.html?thread=4766631#t4766631).) Do stop by the meme if you can, and give the few w!anons who are still lurking about more reasons to write!
> 
> This piece will probably not make much sense unless you have at least heard of the _Akito the Exiled_ OVAs and know about the roles that Suzaku and Lelouch have in them. Having said that, you probably do not need to watch them all to read this because I myself have only followed the segments with Suzaku, Lelouch and C.C. after being highly disappointed with episode 2 (lack of compelling characterizations, terrible treatment and development of lead females - but eh, don't take it from me wholesale, my standards for the portrayal of females in media have been set extremely high after seasons 3 and 4 of _Korra_ ). 
> 
> This is set during _Akito the Exiled_ Episode 3, "The Brightness Falls". You only need to know that before mind-wiping Lelouch and sending him back to live as an ordinary Ashford Academy student, Charles instead decides to use him as a strategist and mind-wipes him to give him a new alter ego called Julius Kingsley. Julius is then sent to St. Petersburg with Suzaku as his bodyguard, to mess around with Europe and hopefully tip the scales in Britannia's favor. However, Lelouch's real memories resurface in him from time to time, so "Julius" is a little unstable and has occasional breakdowns. There are no spoilers here for what takes place later within the same episode.
> 
> A final warning for what may qualify in extreme interpretations as dub-con, since, unfortunately, it is pretty much the only way to look at Suzaku/Julius sex - and even though Julius is completely consenting throughout, I only make it clear that Lelouch feels the same way at the ending.

As trying as Lelouch can be on his patience when he's experiencing another one of his memory lapses, he is even worse when settled into the Julius persona. It is terrible and yet sickeningly satisfying to watch, the way it is still Lelouch's (or is this more like Zero's?) skill and air of self-assurance, but poured whole-heartedly now into advancing the Emperor's work, work that the real Lelouch would never willingly do for his father.  
  
It's a special, hideous combination of wrong and perfect, a punishment that is the same perversion of free will as the one cast by Lelouch's very own Geass.  
  
But it is also worse because the real Lelouch would never look at him like this, would never address him by rank or number, would never treat him like some fascinating, amusing _object_ or plaything - and yet it is still Lelouch's face, Lelouch's voice, Lelouch's tongue wetting the small smile on his lips as he drawls, "Tell me, Seven. Have you ever slept with a man?"  
  
Suzaku does not let his expression shift. "No, sir."  
  
"Well then." A gloved hand warm on his chest, unabashed; they are alone in the emissary halls. "Why not try it with me?"  
  
"Lord Kingsley." Suzaku closes fingers around his wrist, does not look at Lelouch's mouth, does not look anywhere beyond the eyepatch and the single eye inviting him from under a lazy, half-closed lid. "With respect, I do not think that would be appropriate."  
  
Lel- Julius lets out a chortle. "Oh, nonsense. I am not a Princess to be deflowered, and His Majesty is hardly going to bother about the affairs of his Rounds as long as they do their work. And you're doing a very fine job as it is." He leans closer, over to Suzaku's ear, and it is suddenly unnerving when he realizes he can't tell how much of this is Julius and how much of this is Lelouch, whether or not this is being driven by  _Lelouch's_  genuine desire, spurred into entitled, brazen behavior while in the role he has been made to fulfill. "Are you not interested in some extra perks?"  
  
If Lelouch tried his hand at seduction, he would definitely be this terrible, Suzaku thinks, but the thought currently leaves him more bitter than fond. It doesn't matter anymore, anyway. Even if this  _is_  Lelouch's attraction to him speaking, even if they might have once had something - something they never acted upon - it is too late for them to go back now. Lelouch is Zero, Euphy's murderer, a terrorist being dealt his punishment, and currently also not behaving how he probably would if he were to remember their last fight, Suzaku's betrayal, everything they have each already done to the other.  
  
Suzaku pulls Julius' wrist down and away from his breast where the gold wings of the Knight of Rounds uniform spread, careful and professional. "Thank you for the generous offer, my Lord. But I'd rather not."  
  
Julius steps back and does not press any further, but his smile is mild, the eye still half-lidded and now unreadable. "Is that so," he says, placidly, and it is soft enough that it doesn't echo in the empty hallway, except it feels as though it does, snaking down Suzaku's spine and tightening in his gut and sinking into his skin.  
  
_Is that so._

 

* * *

 

 

He has another breakdown, later that day after they leave the first meeting. It has nothing to do with water this time, but because Lelouch has always been dramatic he sweeps everything off the table anyway as he clutches his head and shrieks and writhes, and with a sharp crash the vase shatters into unforgiving shards on the floor. The flowers that scatter are daisies, the same shade of yellow found in a memory of cicadas and sunflower fields.  
  
Suzaku only steps forward when Lelouch notices the mess and begins staring a little too intently at his reflection in one of the broken pieces that he crouches to pick up.  
  
"Lord Kingsley." From behind him this time, again with fingers closed around his wrist, clinical as he gently but firmly pries the shard from Lelouch's fingers with his other hand. He's a little late; Lelouch was already clutching the jagged glass hard enough to draw blood through his glove. When Suzaku turns his wrist palm-up to examine the cut Lelouch finally seems to register that he is kneeling somewhere beside him and twists sharply to face him with a wheezing gasp, his one visible eye wild and unhinged.  
  
" _Suzaku -_ " - and with recognition now as his fingers dig into Suzaku's shoulders and leave blood on the crisp white of his uniform; this is beyond a doubt Lelouch. Suzaku does not flinch. "Suzaku, oh gods,  _help me_ , please I -" Pathetic, Suzaku thinks, the way he clings to him now like a lifeline, breathing harshly - even though he knows it means Lelouch is probably fighting remarkably hard against the Emperor's Geass.  
  
This is when a new realization seems to cross Lelouch's face and his grip slackens just slightly, a wetness forming in the corner of one eye as it stares at him, still wide and desperate. "I'm sorry," he whispers hoarsely and it is loud, so loud against the high ceilings of the empty indoor parlor. " _I'm sorry._  If you'd just  _understand -- Please_  help me, I need..."  
  
Suzaku keeps his face carefully blank but finds himself leaning back a little, enough to take Lelouch's hands from his shoulders. "Lelouch..."  
  
"I -" Lelouch reaches after him still, as if to clutch at him again or whisper and beg into his ear. "I need you to..." He ends up collapsing against Suzaku before he can finish, just a small whimper into his neck as he goes limp and Suzaku has to catch him by the shoulders, crouched as they still are.  
  
Lelouch's breathing quiets and evens. It is the end of this episode, if the pattern from the previous few is anything to go by, and Julius will be ready again for their next meeting with the council of Euro-Britannian military leaders in a few hours. Suzaku shifts him slowly in his arms, lifts him around his shoulders and by the backs of his knees as he gets up to carry him to his room. His movements feel mechanical, like clockwork. Against him, Julius feels light and fragile and smells faintly of lavender, like Lelouch often did.  
  


* * *

  
  
"My offer still stands, if you ever change your mind." Julius tells him before they retire for the night, when Suzaku sees him to the door of his room. "Anytime you like." A slow smile; Suzaku's chambers are the only ones adjacent and directly connected to his through another door between the bedrooms, by right for a guard to fulfill duties of defense more than anything else.  
  
There is a gloved hand reaching forward to cup his face, and Suzaku ends up cutting through with the question before he can quite stop himself. "Why not just order me."  
  
It comes out bland, deadpan, Julius stops just shy of his jaw, and there is a near two-second pause before he knows whether or not he regrets his words.   
  
Julius laughs, short, like he finds Suzaku truly an amusing surprise. "Where would be the fun in that? You'd just refuse on grounds that this isn't part of your job description." The lashes lower on his visible eye, the smile widening into a smirk. "Unless of course you're -"  
  
\- No, no, he isn't looking for -- he doesn't  _need_  some pathetic  _excuse_  like an order to act on something like this, but some part of him wants to know. Needs to know - "Then why me?"   
  
And is this Julius, or is this Lelouch, and he may never know, but -  
  
The answer is surprisingly gentle, like he is drawing the curtains back to let the soft morning sunlight filter in. "I'm bored, and you seem... lonely." He does touch the side of his face then, a thumb drawing a line across his cheek. Suzaku keeps his expression neutral but stands still and lets him, something pulling tight in his chest and making it difficult to breathe. Lelouch-- Julius' voice is very soft. "Perhaps you don't realize what an exquisite puzzle you appear to be. I've seen the way you look at me sometimes, Kururugi. I don't know what all that frustration and grief has got to do with me, but if this is what you want... you are most welcome to it."

He is both very right and very wrong. Suzaku wants Lelouch, wants the friend who held him for an immeasurable time after Mao called him  _murderer_ , wants to scream at him and shake him now and make him  _understand_  the magnitude of pain he's inflicted on him and on so many others, he wants to know  _why_ , he wants to go back to what they almost had but never did have - he wants to know if Lelouch can still  _feel_  and if this is Lelouch, even though Lelouch is gone now and lost somewhere within this man before him who is both Lelouch and not - and all of it is by Suzaku's own doing.  
  
_I'm sorry --_  
  
"It's a request, not an order." Julius says, a reminder that he wants Suzaku, too - but this is Julius, isn't it, and not Lelouch, who knows that there are gaps in his memory and maybe even hopes to see how Suzaku fits in, with this, - "I will not make you act against your own will."  
  
How ironic, Suzaku thinks, as he finally becomes aware of how hard his pulse is pounding; the other boy can probably already feel it through his glove. How very ironic, because Lelouch already has, with that damned Geass, forced his own desire on him and made Suzaku fight to survive, to live - but that was Lelouch, and this is...  
  
Julius, who is both Lelouch and not, dropping his hand with a small smile when Suzaku doesn't respond and already turning away. "Well if there's nothing else -"  
  
Suzaku flips him by the shoulders and presses him against the wall before he has time to second guess himself any further, forcefully enough that the amethysts dangling from Julius' eyepatch clink loudly together and clink again when he kisses him, a clumsy desperate mash of tongue and teeth. Julius opens for him without hesitation, arms finding their way around his neck and fingers threading in Suzaku's hair, adjusting the angle of the kiss as he licks back into Suzaku's mouth, and the groan that escapes Suzaku's throat is the soft sob which never comes.  
  
He is confused, frustrated and hurt and still so very  _angry_  with Lelouch - and hard, hard already, oh gods, pressing up against Lelouch's thigh as Lelouch sucks boldly on his tongue. It really should not have been this easy, but it is.  
  
"My," Julius says, breathily when he pulls back for respite, the smirk clear now on glistening lips. "I knew you had issues." Thankfully he doesn't comment on more but Suzaku kisses him again to shut him up anyway, dragging a hand down his back and waist to grasp his ass and lift him slightly further up against the wall, propped up by where their bodies and hips align.  
  
Julius begins fumbling for the lock panel next to him even as his legs lift instinctively to wrap around Suzaku for balance, gasping slightly as Suzaku shifts to scrape his teeth down the shell of one ear. "...Inside, Kururugi -"  
  
The doors slide open with a hiss and Suzaku hoists them in and all but slams him against them before they're even done closing fully. He finds the catch to the other boy's ridiculous ornate belt and it hits the floor with a clunk. Julius peels off his own gloves to follow, letting Suzaku rut against him in a slow grind and moaning softly into his mouth, his thighs clenching tighter around Suzaku's hips. He smells so good, so good (still like something from home and a summer years ago) when Suzaku noses him under his jaw, when he tilts his head back to give Suzaku better access and begins shrugging off his coat to reveal pale, bare arms underneath.  
  
Suzaku helps him ease the garment off, strokes his palms over slender shoulders, traces a thumb over the knob of one collarbone (so skinny, Lelouch has always been much too skinny, fragile). Hands return to Suzaku's shoulders for support and Suzaku pulls back a little, sees Lelouch's one eye already hazed with arousal fix on his.   
  
Suzaku holds his gaze, watches his face as he lets his hands dip to Lelouch's chest and drags his thumbs slowly over and around the nipples under the fabric of his jumpsuit - and the other boy shivers, his fingers pressing a little harder into Suzaku's shoulders, his breaths soft and shallow while Suzaku realizes he has been holding his and wonders distantly if they are really going to do this. As if in answer Julius takes one of his wrists, kisses into an open palm before trailing his mouth up to bite at one fingertip of Suzaku's glove and yank it off.  
  
Suzaku moves to discard the other one, and Julius leans back, jewels tinkling as the back of his head hits the door and exposes his neck to him again, a signal, an offer. So Suzaku returns to it, breathes in his scent, lets his teeth graze the unmarked skin where Lelouch's jaw meets his throat, before he finds the hidden zipper in the turtleneck of his suit and starts dragging it down using his teeth. Julius helps him peel it off, almost too eager, slipping his arms out of it and pushing it down to his waist. His nipples are small - but pink and dark and already hardened from the earlier stimulation, and when Suzaku thumbs them again, gently - skin on skin this time, callused on tender with no more leather and cloth in between - there is something like a small mewl that escapes the other boy, his eyes closing as a shudder goes through him.  
  
It is mesmerizing, to see him - to see Lelouch like this, to see how sensitive he is, the way his body responds to Suzaku's touch and calls for it like it has been craving, anticipating it for months - years, even. It feels thrilling to touch him like this with bare fingertips, and there is a heavy ache between Suzaku's legs, heat coiling and pooling further in his gut as he lifts Lelouch a little higher against the door so he can dip his head and close his mouth over one nipple.  
  
" _Oh -_ " The air rushes out of Julius in an almost-whisper, barely audible, and his fingers move to cradle Suzaku's head and then tighten in Suzaku's hair as Suzaku grinds them together again, still sucking gently. "Yes -" his back arching, his own hips moving in response, encouragement. "Yes, that's it."  
  
Suzaku thinks he might have preferred it when he wasn't speaking, but mostly he can't think about much else anymore, not about showing Lelouch how angry he is, not about how wrong all of this probably is. All he knows is that he wishes now that the Emperor didn't choose such a punishment for Lelouch, that he wishes Lelouch can remember, can be himself, that he is tired and that there is guilt buried somewhere deep in him whenever Lelouch manages to fight his way through the overwriting. That he wants to know what Lelouch had to say after  _I'm sorry_ , and that he wishes this, right now, is real - the way Lelouch holds him, the way his shoulders curve forward, his body curling around Suzaku's as Suzaku licks and prods at the other nub with his tongue.  
  
_Lonely_ , Lelouch said. Maybe he's right. Suzaku is lonely because Lelouch was all he had and now he has no one, not even Nunnally who cannot know about this, not even though Lelouch is still here with him and around him and holding him more closely and intimately than ever before. Suzaku -- misses the old Lelouch, that was not the terrorist, murderer (but then he always was, he always was), wants this to be what they never had, wants this to feel good for them both and wants to make it last, needs it to quench a different thirst, an emptiness inside him that has been eating at him ever since he forced Lelouch's right eye open before his father (he is no better than Lelouch, really). He tries to hold on to some foolish hope at the back of his mind that maybe it can. Maybe it will. If he can just make this good enough.  
  
Eventually he regains enough presence of mind to shift them to Julius' bed, a sprawling four-poster thing almost as embellished as Julius' outfit with fine silk as its canopy. He settles them with Lelouch on his back and there is a moment, after he crawls up over the other boy, where Julius reaches out to trace the line of his jaw, his fingers running over the bridge of Suzaku's nose, his lips, his one eye studying Suzaku carefully, as if trying to commit to memory -- no, as if trying to remember. Suzaku stills, tries to keep his breathing steady, lets Lelouch's hand trail down his chest and to the fastening of the chains that hold his uniform jacket in place. Julius unclasps them both in smooth succession, his eye never once leaving Suzaku's face, like the jacket is already something too well-studied and to be discarded, not worth further attention.  
  
Suzaku moves to cast it off to the side, kicks off his boots so he can climb up further, helps Julius with his. He is tugging the jumpsuit down and off Julius' waist when he notices him reaching up to undo the ties of his eyepatch, and catches one wrist. "Leave it."  
  
He's not sure why he says that; Lelouch's Geass is no longer a threat to him at this point even if it returns, but thankfully there is only a second's pause of staring before Julius relents, going instead for the hem of Suzaku's shirt and slipping his hands under to roam over the muscles on his torso and stroke his nipples the same way Suzaku just handled his. Suzaku suppresses a hiss - he's sensitive, too, more than he expected himself to be - and tries to ignore Julius' small smirk as his arms quiver, still bracing himself above the other boy. One hand smoothes down to palm the bulge in his pants, a thumb feeling for the head of his erection, and Suzaku can't help the choked sound that escapes him but does not miss the eager swallow behind Julius' smirk when he opens his eyes to look at him again. It's as good a reason as any to lean back, pull his shirt off and finish stripping them both --  
  
But it's not till he's done that, when he's kneeling over Lelouch - naked and bare under him save for one bejeweled eyepatch - that Suzaku pauses, the pale line of Lelouch's form, the dip of his hipbones and the awkward redness of his cock all bringing Suzaku to the full realization of what they are about to do. He has never seen Lelouch like this before, doesn't even know for sure if he's Lelouch's first -- though he could have, if things had worked out differently. If only things were different.  
  
"Should I turn?" Julius says, licking dry lips and probably mistaking his hesitation for uncertainty regarding what to do next. Lelouch is  _his_  first after all, at least with a man -  
  
"-No. Stay." Suzaku hears himself breathe out, and bends to kiss Julius softly again, their movements slower now, more measured and anticipatory. He'll want to still see Lelouch's face. Needs to - because he needs a reminder that it is not a hollow puppet he has chosen to fuck, that Lelouch is still somewhere in there beyond the persona that comes with glinting amethysts hanging from a strip of woven black cloth and carved, lightweight steel. There and yet not - and it is probably sad that the first time they have sex, it is already a thing of the past they're playing at, a pretense at returning to what they can never get back, a lie just like so many others Lelouch has told. Just like the many lies that they have told themselves.  
  
The sound and feel of Julius fumbling for something from the nightstand breaks him out of his thoughts, and when Suzaku opens his eyes Julius is pushing a small bottle into his hand, clear enough an indication of how he wants this to happen.  
  
"I prepared myself before this," Julius tells him in a murmur, low against his cheek and ear. "But - you'll still need to..." He doesn't finish, looking a little out of place and yet somehow more endearing with a flush deepening high on his cheeks, and Suzaku bites his lip.  
  
"Okay." He uncaps the bottle and settles himself in between Lelouch's legs, swallowing as he pours and covers his fingers in lubricant. Julius chooses to focus on the canopy, fixing his hands in the pillow under his head, the line of his throat quivering a little as he swallows, too. Perhaps it is still Lelouch's first time after all, despite all the clever come-ons he's tried to make as Julius - and Suzaku tries to ignore the new curl of heat in his groin at the thought. The liquid feels cool and awkward on his hand, so instead of going straight for Lelouch's hole Suzaku rubs his fingers together and then wraps them around the warmth of Lelouch's cock, pumping slowly.  
  
Julius says nothing but reacts almost immediately, with a sharp exhale as he draws his knees further up and his toes curl, his eyes screwing shut. Suzaku pumps a few more times, deliberately slow, before he drags a thumb up Lelouch's shaft and circles the head, rubbing gently against the slit - and Julius lets out a whimper, his hips lifting off the mattress. More, then.  
  
Suzaku dips to rub lube around his entrance, his thumb circling and pressing the rim, and already it feels just as warm as his cock was. Lelouch's breath has started coming in small pants. Suzaku braces his free hand on the knob of Lelouch's knee and eases his middle finger in, searching and feeling as the flesh closes around it and takes it in (shit, but it's hot), watching as Lelouch's pale chest heaves almost comically before him. He brushes against a spot and Julius jerks, a moan falling from his lips, his whole body arching and moving up the mattress as he turns his face into the pillow, gasping when Suzaku strokes his fingertip over the same spot again.  
  
It's lewd and obscene and incredibly arousing to watch him like this, so affected by just one finger, and Suzaku thrusts it a little and experiments with a few different strokes, pushing and rubbing and circling until more moans escape Lelouch, the arc of his back tense as his hands twist in the pillow. He waits till then to add a second finger, even more slowly than the first, the stretch more obvious now around the ring of muscle. He tries to keep the first finger moving in small nudges against Lelouch's prostate so he will relax. The second half slides in sooner than he expects, Julius panting shallowly with a small whimper. He probably has no idea how he looks - still breathtaking but now for largely different reasons, spread open like this on Suzaku's fingers with pre-come beginning to leak from his tip.  
  
Suzaku crooks both fingers and Julius flinches and moans louder, more primal, his thighs trembling and eyes still resolutely shut, the side with the eyepatch still turned into the pillow, the flush on his cheeks darker than ever before. He must really like this.  
  
There is nothing to make Lelouch recall, here, with this, but Suzaku decides that at least he can try to make sure Lelouch  _remembers_  this, try to show them both that Lelouch can still feel, powerfully and desperately, that he is warm and that he needs like any other human and can still be unraveled, taken apart bit by bit.  
  
So instead of circling now he tries running his fingers slowly over the same stretch of flesh, moving and brushing each in alternate strokes over the gland, aware that his own breathing and the rush of blood has started to become really loud in his ears. It doesn't matter though because the effect makes his breath catch - Lelouch crying out sharply in surprise, knees jerking and hips lifting and his body and face moving further up into the pillow as his jaw falls slack with loud trembling gasps and moans. "Oh, fuck -" His chest heaves, fast and with heavy shudders, and when Suzaku speeds up the motion he thinks Lelouch might tear the pillow with the way he clutches at it, writhing and wailing now in abandon.  
  
" _Fuck_ , Kur -  _Suzaku_ , ah -  _aah-_  "  
  
There's a new wave of need that courses through him when his name is said like that, but Suzaku thinks whatever else Lelouch might have been trying to say is lost in his frantic gasps for air, his hips still lifted and twitching every now and then in helpless response to the stimulation. It is both the most gut wrenching and the hottest thing Suzaku has ever seen. At this rate he can probably make Lelouch come just using his fingers like this, if he wants. When his wrist starts to cramp he gives Lelouch some respite, thrusting and scissoring his fingers instead, and is not surprised to find that his own mouth has already gone dry.  
  
Julius opens his eyes, still breathing harshly, reaches for him and Suzaku obliges, shifting forward and leaning down to nip and suck at his earlobe, his adam's apple that bobs tightly as Suzaku continues stretching him. It ends up even more cramped for his wrist at this angle, but it is worth it when Lelouch pulls him up to kiss him and he switches back to brushing and stroking - when he can feel the hitch and sob in Lelouch's breath against his mouth and when Lelouch pants into the kiss, his whine reverberating, his cock unbelievably hard against Suzaku's stomach and already dragging pre-come over it.  
  
He alternates between stretching and stroking now, drawing small, breathless moans each time the pads of his fingertips brush Lelouch's prostate, Julius moving hot and desperate down on his fingers until the muscle feels even more relaxed and Julius is squeezing his shoulder. "Now." The order is half choked out. "Quickly."  
  
Suzaku removes his fingers and leans back to coat them with more lube, then grips his own long-neglected cock. He exhales slowly, his heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears.  
  
Julius is watching him again, saying nothing more although his heel hits Suzaku's back and his arms slip readily around him when Suzaku braces himself over him again and positions himself at his entrance. And - oh - It's hot already, even with just the head of his penis pressing against the hole.  _Shit_. He's not sure if he says it out loud but he is definitely breathing hard now. Julius is biting his own lip but raises his hips a little and gives him another nudge with his heel, so Suzaku lowers himself, forehead to the other boy's chest, and begins rocking in slowly, listening for Julius' breathing above his own to gauge how much he can take.  
  
Julius digs into his skin, panting hoarsely. Suzaku sucks and licks soothingly at a nipple until the press of blunt nails on his back and shoulders is not as severe, until he slips further into tight flesh and -- he's bottomed out and shuddering, Lelouch hot and wet and blindingly good around him and  _oh, fuck._  
  
Julius makes a small sound, too, his head falling back and the amethysts on his eyepatch tinkling again at the movement. Suzaku can feel him still trying to adjust, knees still lifted, bent and trembling, hands roaming aimlessly up and down Suzaku's back, his cock still heavy on his abdomen.  
  
It's too good, much too good, and he needs desperately to move but Suzaku manages to wait, leaning up instead now that he is fully inside to kiss Lelouch and massage his tongue with his own. He wants this to be good for Lelouch too, though he can't quite remember why anymore, not right now. As it turns out, Lelouch doesn't need much longer, whimpering into the kiss and gripping his shoulders again, eager. "Move," comes the whisper against Suzaku's lips, and so Suzaku does, pulling out and plunging back in, a full, smooth stroke.  
  
Lelouch cries out, arm muscles tightening with pain creasing his features and Suzaku arrests the movement, immediately revising his decision.  
  
"Too much?"  
  
"Too much," Julius agrees, breathless, and maybe he's not a princess being deflowered, but it seems that he's certainly just as delicate, and Suzaku will have to treat him as such. He presses a soothing kiss to the side of Lelouch's head and sits up a little, holding Lelouch's legs up by the backs of his knees to support him and for balance as he switches to slow, shallow half thrusts and eddying.  
  
Even like this it's still maddening, the way Lelouch's body takes him in, taut and too warm, but Suzaku manages to keep an eye on him, until his shoulders relax and his breathing evens, no longer straining at the burn even when Suzaku rocks incrementally harder, further in and out.  
  
It's nothing like how he was when he was being fingered, though, and Suzaku tries circling more on the next thrust and the next, searching. Perhaps a different angle -  
  
"...Here. Let me -" Julius interrupts, reaching for another pillow and then lifting his hips to shove it underneath, before beckoning Suzaku forward.  
  
Suzaku presses up to meet him and almost immediately it is that much easier, the new slope of Lelouch's hips allowing him to slip in smooth and to the hilt, just like that - and there is a strangled moan that escapes them both, Lelouch's breaths quickening again as Suzaku lowers himself to his elbows, their chests almost pressing together. Lelouch mewls even at that small shift, one of his hands bumping against Suzaku's, and Suzaku laces their fingers together before he goes in for the next thrust.   
  
Julius' mouth falls open with a soft sob, his head thrown back, fingers gripping tight, and Suzaku knows the cue when he sees it. He surges forward, down and fast and deep, and is rewarded with a string of gasping, open-mouthed cries from Lelouch, who digs into his shoulderblade with his other hand and whose jewels are clinking together now with the force of each thrust.  
  
Soon he can't even hear it over the wet noises of his cock sliding in and out, over the sound of his own gasps and harsh exhaling. Soon each thrust of their hips has him buried deep enough that he can no longer tell Lelouch from Suzaku, Julius from Lelouch. And much too soon Lelouch is clamping further down on him, a knee against Suzaku's ribcage, a heel pressing Suzaku's ass in, his voice keening with new and urgent frequency and his back arching and tensing already, orgasm imminent - his whole body cresting up, grabbing blindly at Suzaku and going rigid as it crashes through him and rips a loud cry from his throat, as it washes warmth up onto Suzaku's belly.  
  
Suzaku doesn't slow - can't slow down anymore, not with the way Lelouch is clenching around him like that, hot and tight and he bows his head and thrusts, reckless and desperate and in, in in - until he spills too, shuddering his release into Lelouch with a strangled sound.  
  
When he comes back to himself he is resting on Lelouch, still buried and twitching in him, Lelouch's fingers carding through his hair as he presses light, languid kisses to Suzaku's head, both of them still trying to catch their breaths.  
  
"Suzaku," comes the murmur on one kiss, gentle and tired and so old and achingly familiar that Suzaku responds almost out of reflex, turning his face into Lelouch's shoulder and pressing his lips to his collarbone in return.  
  
"Lelouch..."  
  
The other boy goes still beneath him. So does Suzaku.  
  
Oh, shit. Oh  _shit oh shit oh shit. _  
  
Suzaku manages not to scramble up, but forces himself to look at the other boy and check his expression once he's propped on his elbows again, heart pounding now for different reasons. Stupid,  _stupid_  - the moment is over, now, their pretense, the lie he's told himself is up - and he's been far too careless.  
  
But Julius only smiles, his hand running down Suzaku's arm, tentative and as if trying to soothe. "Is that his name?" He asks quietly. "This friend I so obviously remind you of."  
  
His heart is in his throat, and Suzaku cannot answer. Cannot bring himself to look him in the eye anymore, cannot face what he's just done. Cannot face what is the result of all the things he's done to their friendship in the past couple of weeks. He has not expected the realization of it to bite back so quickly.  
  
He disengages silently and sits up, feeling a little sick. Julius hands him a face towel from the nightstand and he accepts it, uses it to clean himself off, though some of the stickiness stubbornly remains. Oh gods, oh gods, what has he become. Were his needs so base that...  
  
"You can stay, you know." Julius says, voice soft from where he's still lying and watching him. "It's not as if the Russians have any right to complain if they -"  
  
"That won't be necessary." Suzaku doesn't turn around but still hears himself as if from far away as he reaches for his discarded trousers on the floor. He dresses, unhurried enough but methodically, like he's on autopilot and his mind is still in a daze, from the sex, from something else he's trying desperately hard not to think about.  
  
There is no more response from behind him and Suzaku does not let himself look back at Lelouch, though he can feel him still watching him pensively, all the way till he's slid his gloves back on and clasped the chains of his jacket, till he's walked out and till the doors hiss shut behind his back.   
  
The lights in the hallway are suddenly far too bright and unforgiving. Suzaku does not blink, but his eyes are burning, and they feel wet.

 

* * *

 

It only gets worse from there. Julius says nothing about it and they continue as before, never touching unless necessary - except almost everything he does now seems to remind Suzaku of it: the smooth crossing of his legs as he settles into his seat (the bend of his knee as he parts those legs for Suzaku), the low drip of his baritone as he condescends to the military leaders (the same voice, gasping and moaning and stretched raw and thin as he thrusts into him), the sharp turn of his smirk (his lips wet from a kiss, dry as he pants), the angle of his hip as he stands - and _struts -_  before the council (the same hips, pressed against his, lifted in desperation before him and driving hungrily down on his fingers).   
  
And by the glint in his eye whenever he looks over at Suzaku, Julius seems perfectly aware of all of it. The bastard.  
  
Suzaku has two full days of torment to wonder how he's managed to fuck up and lose control of both his physical desire  _and_  the situation so thoroughly, before Julius decides that it's no longer fun to just gloat in silence and corners him after another meeting and in the same damn hallway, his lips just inches from Suzaku's own.  
  
"Look at this," he breathes, trailing the tip of his scepter lightly up the hardening line of Suzaku's cock through his trousers. Suzaku could swear the uniform was hiding any treacherous erections well enough until Julius closed in on him like this. "All your...  _professional_  distance, and yet I'm hardly going to bet it's because you found it a terrible encounter." And there's that smug smile again, the same one Lelouch has always had when he knows he's about to win an argument. "I'd wager it's very much the opposite of that."  
  
And Suzaku hates it, hates how weak he is to his want and his guilt and his yearning for something long lost - even though the fact that he's used Lelouch in such a way should disgust him. He hates how Lelouch is right, hates how Lelouch has managed to make a mockery of his self-control and all but wrest that from him, too, even while dormant under a different persona.  
  
But then - and he's learning - with Lelouch, things like these are never that easy.  
  
And the only way to play this game now is to try and turn the tables back on Lelouch while going along with what he wants - so Suzaku gives in, pulling him in by the neck and shoulders and kissing him hard, nipping at his lower lip when Julius has the cheek to laugh.  
  
It feels a lot faster this time, more frantic and needy, with them back on Julius' bed and him almost tearing at the zipper of the jumpsuit before he's had the time to fully process and decide what he wants to do. Suzaku laves each nipple roughly with his tongue and Julius grasps his shoulders, letting him set the pace - which is what Suzaku was expecting and which only makes it more convenient now to get to what he has in mind. He pushes Julius' underwear down - and it's the same bottle of lube, but instead of slicking his fingers this time, he pours it over Lelouch's hand and whispers into his mouth.  
  
"Touch yourself."  
  
Julius' eye opens, flickers for a second as it studies him, probably in surprise, but then he obliges, silently as he wraps his hand around his length and curls onto his side, the pillow obscuring some of the eyepatch. Suzaku backs up to yank his undershirt off and unzip his trousers, watching him and fully aware that Julius is still looking at him, too, distracted only occasionally by his small trembles and sighs into the pillow as he strokes himself. Suzaku deliberately takes his time to finish undressing, waiting until Lelouch's breathing starts to harshen before coating his fingers as well, settling next to him so their cocks align and taking them both in hand with long, steady strokes.  
  
Julius lets out a small whimper of relief, one leg hooking over the back of his calf to pull him in closer - but Suzaku isn't finished with him yet. He pauses to take Julius' lube-wet fingers and guide them behind to his own entrance. "Here, too." A murmured directive for Julius to open himself up for him.  
  
To his credit, Julius doesn't pause this time, doesn't even open his eyes, only bucking forward slightly in supplication for Suzaku to continue with their cocks as his slips his own finger into himself.  
  
Suzaku squeezes them hard, harder near the heads the way he likes it when he's doing this on his own, and Julius gasps low, rocking forward with wanton need, his one finger already thrusting rapidly in and out behind him. Suzaku sees him add a second finger and moves in to slip his tongue into his mouth as a reward, stroking warmly and still pumping their cocks firm and slow. Julius sighs into the kiss.   
  
A third finger - Suzaku manages to glimpse when he opens his eyes and looks down - slower now, more gingerly. He shifts and keeps Lelouch's erection attended to until he gets the digit fully in, well aware that Lelouch probably can't touch his prostate quite as well with the current angle of his wrist. Julius is panting harshly through his nose as he moves his own fingers, eyebrows deepened in concentration. Suzaku thumbs his slit then takes the moment to reach down for something that rolled to the floor in their earlier frenzy.  
  
Julius opens his eyes when the depression in the mattress shifts - in time for Suzaku to pull his wrist from his ass and press the imperial scepter into his hand. It only takes a second for understanding to cross Lelouch's face, and the exchange that follows between them is completely silent, a staredown as Lelouch's single eye holds his gaze evenly, the subtle clench of his jaw the only indication that he is none too pleased with the idea.   
  
And it's true - it's fucked up, sacrilegious, almost - but then which part of their situation isn't? Suzaku doesn't let himself waver, defiant, and he is half-considering suggesting (arguing) that Lelouch has only brought this upon himself when Julius decides to give in, wetting his lips and opening his mouth to rasp a single word. "Lubricant."  
  
It will have to be acknowledged now that this version of Lelouch is very bold, if nothing else. Suzaku passes him the lube and tries to reestablish his own self assurance by sitting cross-legged on the mattress to watch, hands folded into fists and resting on his knees. Even then it is difficult to ignore how heavy his own cock already is between his legs. Julius isn't looking at him anymore, coating the golden head of the scepter with the new spread of lube on his fingers, lifting a knee and reaching behind to feel for his entrance with a fist closed tight around the middle of the rod. He's still on his side - probably the best position to do this in, really - but he reaches under with his free hand to spread his cheeks as he eases the scepter in, breaths sharp and shallow, careful not to prod the skin of his balls with the other prongs that fan out from the head. It's a horrible, horribly arousing sight and Suzaku cannot tear his eyes away, the heat like an ugly, predatory monster curling in his gut and snaking down his cock.  
  
Julius gets it in till the base. His wrist is quivering, the flush on pale cheeks spreading to his visible ear and his neck, his eye shut to everything else. He moves the rod, very slowly, and on the second push back in must have managed to hit his prostate because his outcry is a near yelp, sharp and short into the pillow. Suzaku sees him adjust his grip before he repeats the movement, the same tilt, again - and again, and again, until he is muffling soft, low sobs into the pillow. This is when Julius' grip seems to slip a little and the rod rotates slightly, noticeable from the small shift of the prongs and Julius -- cries out, clearly from pleasure at the changed press of metal inside him, and Suzaku starts to think that maybe this idea is actually better than he thought it would be.  
  
But he waits - waits till Lelouch is gasping open-mouthed on each push, his breathing completely uneven as he fucks himself on the replacement - before he lets himself finally, finally move, slotting a pillow under Lelouch's hips, touching Lelouch's shoulder so he turns around, face-up and legs spread, prying Lelouch's grip from the scepter and replacing it with his own, pushing it in in an approximation of the angle Lelouch liked so much the first time they were here, like this. Lelouch yells, his hands twisting in the sheets, his voice keening, and from the erection leaking pre-come onto his own stomach it is obvious now how turned on he was despite all of it. And Suzaku probably guesses correctly that he is close, because on the third thrust Julius decides that he is having no more of it.  
  
"Ku- Kururugi," he gasps, thin already, and urgent. " _Enough -_ "  
  
\- And there it is. It's hard to contain the smirk at the confirmation that it's still his cock Lelouch wants, but Suzaku manages, still keeping his grip on Lelouch's knee and the scepter steady. What  _he_  wants is something a little more, something that will make up for all Lel- Julius' silent mocking and taunting over the last few days, and something he is fairly certain Julius will give if he is pushed till breaking point. And push he does, pressing the scepter head in till the hilt as slowly as he can, twisting it just as agonizingly slow over Lelouch's prostate and trying to imagine what it must feel like to have the sculpted ridges of metal rub against it like that. Lelouch lets out a high-pitched whine, heaving sharply above the clink of jewels as his head thrashes to the other side in protest, his toes lifting off the bed and curled tight.  
  
" _Kururugi._ " Voice strained, desperate, a rough swallow, and Suzaku watches him scramble mentally for the right words. "Ku -  _Suzaku._ Suzaku, _please._ "  
  
It is enough. Suzaku pulls the scepter from the reddened, stretched hole, climbs over him to align their bodies, kisses him and lets himself sink in, in, in at last.  
  
Lelouch sobs, open and raw against his mouth, clinging to him immediately and pulling him further down against him, and something about it this time evokes a sudden need in Suzaku to be gentle with his actions even as he slides with exhilarating ease now in and out of warm flesh. He pushes Lelouch's hair tenderly from his face, presses lips to the skin of his forehead not already covered by the eyepatch, his nose, his mouth. And Julius utters his name like a newfound prayer, soft and breathless as his hands caress his back and the length of his nape. " _Suzaku. Suzaku._ "  
  
It is devastating to hear, to watch, to remember that it is not really, fully Lelouch who is murmuring to him in redemption like that, even though it is exactly how Lelouch would say it, even though it is exactly Lelouch whose body yields to and melds with his on each thrust, beautiful and hot around him and perfect. And he is awful, awful for doing this, for giving in, for putting Lelouch in this state to begin with, and Suzaku feels himself choke. He presses his eyes shut and leans his forehead against Lelouch's because he doesn't want to look at his lone violet eye anymore, not until the rock of his hips and his strokes inside Lelouch send the other boy arching and tumbling over the edge and clutching at him with a weak cry, not until the walls that clamp on him send him shuddering and following soon after.  
  
He doesn't realize he is crying until there is a thumb rubbing gently across his cheek, until the other boy is pressing soft kisses to the tears on his face. "Look at you," Lelouch-- no, Julius murmurs, but there is no mockery, no bite in it this time. And then softer still, more comforting as his fingers comb through Suzaku's hair, the other hand brushing the shorter strands at his nape. "Look at you."  
  
Look at him indeed. He doesn't deserve this - to be held like this, not by him - or maybe the irony of it is that this is exactly the kind of punishment he deserves, as shame burns anew in his gut and he swallows and shifts to pull out and leave just like the first time.  
  
But Lelouch's hand is warm on his neck, his feet tangling with his and keeping him where he is long enough for the request to be heard. "Stay." It's soft, not the tone of an order, honest and open with none of his usual arrogance - and Suzaku feels his throat close. He wants to tell him he can't, he wants to tell him why, but then Julius gives him a small, knowing smile and kisses him again and he is also very tired, tired of lies and games and wishing everything could be laid bare for once, like they are now before each other.  
  
So Suzaku stays. And sleeps.  
  
It is a dreamless one.  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  
  
  
"Remembered something you'd rather not?" C.C. is looking at his expression when he hands her the recording of his speech that will be used soon in Zero's first public address since his reappearance.   
  
"No," Lelouch smooths down the shirt of his uniform, feeling a little barer now without his jacket. "That's not what it is."  
  
It's not regret either, he determines as he climbs into the car they've prepared to get him back to Ashford before Viletta Nu suspects a thing - and certainly not disgust. (The alter ego knew what he wanted. Even then.) But there is bitterness coiling in the pit of his stomach - and an aching, profound sense of loss when he thinks of a summer nine years ago, of the taste of Suzaku's tears on his tongue.  
  
It was a dream, Lelouch tells himself as he watches the buildings of the Tokyo Settlement glide past from the window - something he thought they had when they never did, something that was real only in the few precious moments before waking.  
  
Nothing more.

 

**Author's Note:**

> _" (8) Then Saul arose from the ground, and when his eyes were opened he saw no one. But they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. (9) And he was three days without sight, and neither ate nor drank._
> 
> _(…)_
> 
> _(15) But the Lord said to (Ananias), “Go, for he is a chosen vessel of Mine to bear My name (…)  (16) For I will show him how many things he must suffer for My name’s sake.”_
> 
> _(17) And Ananias went his way and entered the house; and (laid) his hands on him (…)  (18) Immediately there fell from his eyes something like scales, and he received his sight at once; and he arose and was baptized. ”_
> 
> _\-- from 'The Damascus Road', Acts 9: 1 – 19_


End file.
